Sunday, July 3, 2011

the memoir of bulimic...

i'm an ex-bulimic+depression n i dont know ...
what should i do...coz sumtyme i felt i'm still that circle,
u x keluar dari lingkungan tu ,its like u x boleh lari dari bulimia
its like its chasing you....i know its chasing me...

sumtyme i cant breath...this couple of day
my mood swing easily u'll see me happy next thing u'll see i already angry n soo onn..
getting sad suddenly..sumtyme i 'm angry 2 myself 4 no reason...
everythin ..i'm blaming myself 4 it..
n when i'm angry i tend to eat a lot..dh kenyang..full..
but still like not enough..i have to...i have to eat, n more
at the same time i'm angry n then when i felt better afterward ,
i regret ..eating till my stomach feel pain...coz its too full
then i would pull out those food back by purging ...
i dont know...dont make me angry..
dont make me stress..
dont make me feel ashamed ..
i feel like ..just want to slap/kill watever towards that person..i hate them..
i hate pupil...i dont like to be around people...too crowded...i hate it!!!!
but infront of pupil,frenz,family i act normally..
everyone was happy 4 me..
its rarely to hear sumone praise me 4 what i do sincerely even from my parents..
but everytyme pupil praise or sum thing good bout me i felt happy 4 a while..
i always feel alone...just like there no one in this whole wide world care 4 me...luv me...
to make it worse...while i'm in secondary skool ..anyone is anyone..
being ugly fat girl with glasses make it worse..
while everyone talkin bout their best self ,academically...personal..
i dont even have a chance..
sum boy even call me freak...they scared of me
they say i look like a lesbian n i look like a serial killer...
i f***** hate boys!!!!
also some girls...
its like really hard to live as normal teenager..
i hate my teens daYS..
i'm a loner n always be that..
sumtyme i hope i can be normal , to get out from this thing..
deep inside ...i'm just a normal girl who have high hope just same as the
other girl..
live in highschool/as a teenager is hard n really confusing ..
its like u dont know which way u should go..
i always wanted to be like othrs...beautiful,smart,slim..
boys admiring me..praise me..(muahahaha..where thats come from?)
but what the hell ...they dont care..
people just dont care what inside they just care about outside..
oh look she hot...she this..she thats..
its like a pressure when u the only big girl in the gred!!!
n ur friends like...oh dont u want 2 get thin???
everytime i feel dissapointed i just eat eat a lot of stuff n just after that
purging it back happily...n u know what
it feels feel better..
like i talk to sumone about this thing that burden me..i feel relieve,
every girl in their teens always look up
to the media,magazine soo girl that represent the media the most
will be look up high by us..
her ins what outs
n of course her body..n in my day
is supposed to be ur main attraction..
all my friend was crazy dieting just to be MORE n MORE skinny
then their already petite body...
it just crazy...
like supposedly 'tinggi lampai' is the target...2 be beautiful
yes its true they r beautifull..i'm not lie..i'm not being sarcastic..
moreover..most of my beauty idol is in this type of body...
n i'm sure girl n mostly boys love this body i right???

well bulimia is disgusting...still
but seriously...
for me i become this food addict..
till now actually...
i eat when i 'm happy...sad...bored...xcited..
u tell me..anythin i'll just kick in n
ooo..i just luv food
here they r my bestfrenz sumtyme ago...4 now

lovely food...


yeah....toilet bowl

as i say..
ita a relieve..
its like ur medicine..ashes the pain
make it gone..
of course it not 4 long..
yeas as they say its nice but at the same tyme its killin me..

u know ..
last tyme ..
when i'm still in this situation..
there a lot propaganda website 4 'us'
website 4 pupil like me..
give us support..soo that we dot eat..
u know...inside we feel empty,,
no one understand us...
we feel outcast..
its like we belong together
in that society..
we share the same interest...feelings..
it always have a
support group..words just like this..

we always feel that we r a strong community..
each of us ..together
n all wanted is actually
an attention..
yes really..
4 not that wat make me
angry/sad ..pupil not takin me seriously..know
just like i'm a clown there...right there
its soooo sad..
i wanted pupil to know..
that i'm here n i'm ready to takin it alll..
but still..i'm not important in their
all we feel is..

there no one..
who believe in me..
who can just hear me..
trust me..
luv me..
care 4 me...
maybe there r..
but i just don feel it..
dont know why...
i cant reach it...

sooo NOW..
i just had a lil advice 4 u ***h*le(sory 4 da word)
dont u ever say that we r crazy...
n stupid..
like seriously this is a mental illness..
this how they felt...they think
they do in like everyday of their life..

n seriuosly 4 my BELOVED mum..

i want u to know..
u always keeep askin me ur daughter..
that am i???why not for her
its a shame when pupil know bout this..
yes i know its a personal matter..
n its not a good thing..
but still i'm proud to say n stick to what i believe n whom i am..
coz now that make it from the disease
i luv to share this xperience by helpin others
who just like me
in their pre-teens
i know for u GIRLS outhere..
its hard 4 us to pick the right road...
the best one always shadow by the bad ones
we feel it but we cant see it..
it like...we lost bout a second...
just a second..
coz with that lost..we learn sumthin..
n that when we appreciate life more..
n as for me..
i always feel there an angel watching over me
thank god..i survived BULIMIA....
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